Be Here Now- February 7, 2022

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my brain and

heart divorced


a decade ago


over who was

to blame about

how big of a mess

I have become


eventually,

they couldn't be 

in the same room

with each other 


now my head and heart 

share custody of me


I stay with my brain 

during the week


and my heart 

gets me on weekends


they never speak to one another

  - instead, they give me

  - the same note to pass

  - to each other every week 

and their notes they

send to one another always 

says the same thing:


"This is all your fault"


on Sundays

my heart complains

about how my 

head has let me down

in the past


and on Wednesday

my head lists all

of the times my 

heart has screwed

things up for me 

in the future


they blame each

other for the 

state of my life


there's been a lot

of yelling - and crying


so,


  lately, I've been

  spending a lot of 

  time with my gut

who serves as my

unofficial therapist


most nights, I sneak out of the

window in my ribcage


and slide down my spine

and collapse on my 

gut's plush leather chair

that's always open for me


~ and I just sit sit sit sit

until the sun comes up


last evening, 

my gut asked me

if I was having a hard

time being caught 

between my heart

and my head


I nodded


I said I didn't know

if I could live with 

either of them anymore


"my heart is always sad about

something that happened yesterday

while my head is always worried

about something that may happen tomorrow," 

I lamented


my gut squeezed my hand


"I just can't live with

my mistakes of the past

or my anxiety about the future,"

I sighed


my gut smiled and said:


"in that case, 

you should 

go stay with your 

lungs for a while,"


I was confused

 - the look on my face gave it away

"if you are exhausted about

your heart's obsession with

the fixed past and your mind's focus

on the uncertain future


your lungs are the perfect place for you


there is no yesterday in your lungs

there is no tomorrow there either


there is only now

there is only inhale

there is only exhale

there is only this moment


there is only breath


and in that breath

you can rest while your

heart and head work 

their relationship out."


this morning,

while my brain

was busy reading

tea leaves


and while my

heart was staring

at old photographs 


I packed a little

bag and walked

to the door of 

my lungs


before I could even knock

she opened the door

with a smile and as

a gust of air embraced me

she said


"what took you so long?"


  ~ John Roedel (johnroedel.com)

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